George's Disease

(Jerry is sitting on the chair in a relaxed manner. George is in semi-sleeping position on the couch watching TV with his arm supporting his head.)

George: Jerry can you get me a can of soda?

Jerry: You're closer to the fridge than me

George: But I'm lower than you, almost a foot, moving forward is much easier than moving upward

Jerry : Everything that makes sense is not necessarily good but that does make sense

(Jerry is still sitting, as if no one ever requested him anything)

George: What is it now?

Jerry (matter of factly): Well, making sense is not good enough. I veto against the Bill that says; you gotta do whatever makes sense. Besides, I think I feel a churn in the whole relationship dynamics here. I can feel it right in my stomach.

George: Oh come on, it's same as passing me salt at the Coffee shop. I think you're mistaking this situation for one of your life's minutiae that you generally interpret to death. That's what you're doing. Well it's not, just don't think too much and go get me a can, OK?? Is that simple?

Jerry: The energy you just spent talking is more than what it takes to get the can yourself

George: I know, but I've been having problems with inertia lately. I think I'm in advanced stage of inertia.Is there a good Doctor that you know?

Jerry: You know, technically, inertia is not a disease.

(looks at George who is in a perfect motionless state)

Jerry: No, I'll take that back. With you, it may just very well be. You're a great guy really, you take minor physical inconveniences and help them achieve their life long ambition of becoming a real full blown disease

George: Great! Do I now deserve a can of soda, please?

George's Alarm

(Jerry and George are in the apartment at about noon. Alarm goes off unexpectedly. Jerry walks toward it and picks it up)

Jerry (realizing instantly whose mischief it might have been): Kramer!

(Alarm doesn't stop ringing. Jerry tries to figure out what's wrong by turning it this side and that. He taps on it twice and it turns off)

George:I hate those alarms

Jerry:So you never use them?

George:No

Jerry:How do you make it on time to work then?

George: I get there on MY time. You can't play God! You get up when God says Get Up.

Jerry: You mean mental alarm?

George: No, that's different. My mental alarm sucks, I think it is just screwing with me. It goes off in the middle of the day sometimes..."oh by the way you were supposed to get up at 7 in the morning, did you make it?" Sometimes it doesn't ring at all, and argues with me that it did.Yesterday, went off in the middle of the night, just to tell me that it's all set and ready to go off at 7.

Jerry(shaking hands with George): Thank you, we've reached today's limit of your problems, thanks.

George's Grades

(Elaine and Jerry are in the Coffee shop. George walks in and wishes them with some energy and enthusiasm)

Jerry: You seem to be in good mood. What out of sequence, disparate events have you pieced together and forced it to make you feel good?

George: I do that to make myself feel bad, this one's for real, one of my cousins, he's in 8th Grade, been doing really well at School, consistent 4.0, didn't know that kind of thing ran anywhere in our family, not even walk.

Jerry: Oh, you are claiming his fame to your name

George: I thought you're allowed to do that in a family. (angry). Hey, I claimed millions of bad things from family, didn't even have a choice. Why can't I claim one good thing, dammit!

Elaine: I got 4.0 once in 3rd Grade

Jerry: I don't know if ONCE and ALWAYS can really be mentioned in the same breath in these matters 

Elaine: Yeah, yeah, what about you guys, who had better grades?

Jerry: Don't ask George how he managed, but we were up and down that pretty much evened out toward the end. No one's a clear winner between us.

George: That may be one of the foundations of our friendship. You can't have friends with consistent gap in grades.

Jerry: Or, with a consistent gap in how long you can stick to a girl

George: Well, that's a given.

The Double Date

(George and Jerry have come to the Coffee shop to debrief after a lunch double date)

George: That was a good date we had, huh, Jerry?

Jerry: Yeah, I can't believe we came out of it with no visible screw-ups...I think

(George smiles but it fades quickly. Jerry notices)

Jerry: What's the matter?

George: Some Deja Vu, I'm feeling something familiar, wait, I think I got it, oh no, it's that urge again.

Jerry: What urge?

George: You know, the uh may-be-there's-someone-else-better-out-there urge, why, why do we get that, why don't we just agree that the one we have has got to be as good as any.

Jerry: Or, why can't we admit that we are equally capable of finding a problem with anyone else out there as well as we can with the one we are seeing now.

George: We stick to our cars more than a few years for God Sake!

Jerry: Alright, let's see, what can we learn from our relationship with cars that we can apply to women?

George: So, you think it's a good comparison?

Jerry: I don't see why not, if you press the wrong button, both of them can go in reverse direction. But the problem is, they are going in opposite direction from each other.

George: What do you mean?

Jerry: Cars are progressively becoming low maintenance, where as women...

George: Could turn you in to a Head Mechanic at a Car Care Club  

Jerry: Man! We're getting screwed both when we go to a Mechanic and when we ARE the Mechanics

George's Journey

(One of George's acquaintances calls to meet George at the Coffee shop. The reason; he's a little down in life, no date for a few months etc, wants to meet George to make himself feel good. George agrees to meet but not very flattered about it. Meanwhile...)

George: So, he thinks I am some kind of a veteran loser and wants to seek my advice!

Jerry: How about, may be, taking it positively?

George: What are you, Oprah?

Jerry: Well, by asking you to reach out to him, he is accepting who he is, why can't you do the same?

George: No way, I will never accept who I am. Out of the question.

Jerry: Boy, you REALLY broke up with yourself.

George: What good is it anyway, accepting who I am

Jerry: Well, as per popular wisdom, knowing who you are and accepting yourself are considered Stepping Stones to success

George: Oh I know who I am...and that's why I don't accept. Who steps on stones these days, anyway!

Jerry: I understand but Stones aren't a discontinued model yet, there are no stepping escalators or anything. You HAVE to step on them to get in to luxury car model called Success which is supposed to be a great vehicle for life's journey.

George: So, what car do you think my life is journeying on?

Jerry: Car? More like a Cart, pulled by a couple of Mules, not much motivated about their job, going uphill, rocky road...

 George: Thanks, thanks a lot. (pause). What about Kramer?

Jerry: I don't think his life journeys

George's Competition

(Mrs. Zanfino knocks on Jerry's door while Kramer, Jerry and George are inside the apartment...)

(George is quite comfortably sitting on the couch with a pillow on his lap, watching TV. Kramer is making himself dinner humming some song.)

(Jerry is at the table behind the couch, sitting, observing the two.)

Jerry (says to himself): Certainly more comfortable than me in my own house.

(Kramer opens the door)

Mrs.Zanfino: Kramer, sorry to bother you, Joey is not going to bed. I just want to scare him a little. Could you come by, he really gets scared by you.

Kramer (a little proud, looking at Jerry/George): Ohhh.

Mrs. Zanfino: Yeah, he thinks you're Frankenstein.

Kramer: Sure Mrs. Z. I'll be there.

(Kramer goes out the door.)

Geroge: What's the story of Mrs. Z.

Jerry: She's a widow, why?

George: Nice looking widow. (thinks for a second). Yes, why not? I just got to be a little better than her late husband. You don't think I can compete with a dead man?

Jerry (doubtful expression): I don't know George, dead men don't make any mistakes on first dates.

George (thinks): You're right. It's tough. (Pause) Oh man!

Jerry: What?

George: I think I've just overcome fear of death!

George's Character

(George and Jerry in the Coffee shop)

George: Give me one word, Jerry, just one word. I got a big date coming up tonight, I want a word that I can use and come out with some success, enough for a second date.That's all, I'm not asking for too much.

Jerry: Okay, I'm gonna have to go with "Character"

George: I think I know what it is but you can never be sure with these things.What is it?

Jerry: I believe it's some kind of a concoction of genetics, upbringing, friends, money, TV etc that solidifies over time and one fine morning...BOOM...it's taken over your life. It's like you're possessed.

George: It's a mishmash, how can anything made up of so many things be good, there's no way!

Jerry: Some people seem to mix'em up right

George: That's bogus! They only make it look like they got it right.(pause) Then, the question I guess is, what does it take to make it look like we got it right.

Jerry: And that's how the story never ends...

George's History

(George and Jerry are in the Coffee shop. George seems to be thinking about something.)


Jerry: What's with you?

George: The regular stuff, dating scene, job scene, there is too much competition out there.  I wish we were born a few hundred years ago, may be we would've been the Pioneers who traveled to the Frontiers.

Jerry: Pioneers? Us? No.

George: Why not?

Jerry: I really don't see us pioneering that much.

George: Alright, how about the Middle ages, like the 15th Century?

Jerry: Remember how you cheated on your Latvian Orthodox test? You'd be guillotined if you did that in the middle ages. Besides, the whole Renaissance would've been too much of a grind for you anyway.

George: Right, the Renaissance, that's no good. (Pause) How about the B.Cs? Nah, Socrates was ruthlessly poisoned to death in the B.Cs. You don't what that. (laughs, snorts) I mean, what if I come up with some ground breaking philosophy?  

Jerry (with a tinge of sarcasm): Hmmm, "George Costanza, the father of Political philosophy, Ethics and Social Justice has been persecuted for his beliefs"

George: No, Jerry, you don't understand, during those days it's not a big deal. Philosopher is like an Executive or a Front office kind of job today. 

Jerry: Alright, let's do this for now, go to the Caves, the Cavemen, I really think it's your thing. Once you get used to the clothing, I'm sure you'll really blend in.

George's Facebook

(All four in the Coffee shop)

George: I changed my status back and forth between Single and In-a-Relationship so many times in the last 6 months that I'm afraid the whole Status label is going to break and fall off my Facebook page.

Jerry: You're on Facebook!

George: Why, of course Jerry, I gotta stay on top of these things. It's an emerging technology that may have a solution for short, stocky, bald men. You never know.

Jerry: What happened to Slow-witted?

George: What is with this obsession with Quick-wit? What are we, McDonald's? Hey, I may be slow but I am a good-wit, a Gourmet wit.

Elaine: I'm on that thing, too.

Jerry: You are!

(Everyone looks at Kramer who is sipping shake out of a long glass)

Kramer: I have three hundred and forty two friends

Jerry: Boy, I gotta get on this thing, friendship that you can turn on or off or even pause at the click of a button, it's like remote-control for the friendship. I might like that!  

George's Relationship

(George is in the Coffee shop as Jerry walks in and sits across from him)

Jerry: You look sad but something's different about your sadness today. Let me guess; you just invented a brand new human peeve or problem hitherto unknown to mankind.

George: Ya, an invention (snorts), right. I'm not an inventor, I'm more like the guy who gets crushed between all the overlapping human inventions, discoveries and what not.

Jerry: Which ones are you getting crushed under right now?

George: I think most of Sociology, some Physical Chemistry and a bit of Biology, which is always there. (Pause) Amy seems to be thinking of breaking up with me, I can sense it. That's one of the most well developed of all my senses.

Jerry: Why, why would she want to break up with you?

George: See, that I don't question, I have seen enough "why"s that it could be any of them or may be something new.

Jerry: Sure, they can always invent one. But George, this isn't a new problem. If I remember correctly, you pulled a preemptive breakup to some degree of success a few years ago. What about that.

George: I don't know if it was a success. It's hard to differentiate between success and failure within the context of a relationship. It's all relative and temporary and all that crap. Relationships aren't S.A.Ts. Not that I am any better with the S.A.Ts.

George's Block

(Jerry and George are in the coffee shop. George has been looking for a job)

George: If it weren't for the Writer's block that I suffer from, I wouldn't be looking for a job right now.

Jerry: People get that block AFTER writing something that is actually read by someone

George: Well, I got it BEFORE! So what's wrong with that!

Jerry: It's not like Athlete's foot that you can get even if your athletic skills are envied only by a couch potato straight from Idaho

George (feeling disappointed and a tad guilty): I guess I don't have that, the Athlete's foot

Jerry: I'm sorry to hear that

George: But I think I may have Achilles heel

Jerry: And a face that can launch a thousand reasons to break-up

George: Well, bear in mind Jerry, I do have the most beautiful hands

George's Birthday

(All four are in the Coffee shop. Jerry is looking at the menu. George just broke up with a girl after a couple of dates for some petty reason)

Elaine: With all these food, it's hard to believe 1000s are dying from hunger everyday. Such a fundamental problem in so many countries.

George: It's a good thing people don't die from not being able to keep a girl for more than a couple of weeks.

Jerry: A fundamental problem right here in Manhattan.

(Llyod Braun is walking by and notices George)

Llyod: Hey George, Happy 40th Birthday

Jerry: Today's your Birthday?

Elaine: I had no idea

Llyod: I thought you guys are good friends

Jerry: We're just hanging out, nothing serious yet really

(Llyod walks away)

Kramer: Happy Birthday, George. You know what they say; life starts at 40

George (very nervously): What the hell does that mean?

Elaine: I guess you should Get a Life first to be able to start one.

Jerry (ponders): You're getting that (life) as a gift on your zeroth birthday, why not on the 40th, too?

George: Ho ho! Those Birthday gifts.

Jerry: And if you didn't get one by 40,  I guess it means, some kind of pollination may well be something you should start considering.

George's Pull

(Jerry, George and Kramer are in the Coffee shop, George isn't his best)

George: I wish I had the Escape Velocity to get past the PULL of mediocrity.

Jerry: No big deal, just gotta brush up on your Rocket Science a little, that's all.

Kramer:That's no Rocket Science! I mean look at me, do I look mediocre to you?

Jerry: No, but we're talking here about people who are bound to Earth's gravity and thereby to Earth's mediocrity (looks at George as George nods indicating an embarrassed acknowledgment of Jerry's reference to him). I mean, (looking back at Kramer, sincere tone) I never really ruled out the possibility of you being a pod.

Jerry's Home

(Jerry is at the kitchen counter in his apartment, pouring himself some juice, pondering about something. George enters)

George: You don't look right, what happened?

Jerry: Nothing much, my parents are coming today and they're supposed to be home by now, just wondering where they are.

George: May be the flight's been delayed, did you check?

Jerry: Yeah, no luck...right on time! I wonder if it is something I might have said when they called me earlier this week.

George: I can't imagine a son saying something that might upset parents. What did you say?

Jerry: I guess I asked; "why don't you book a round trip, you'll get a good deal.". Is that so inexcusable? My dad loves a good deal of any kind, not the round-trips apparently. They don't like the idea of their son thinking about their return journey.

George: So they just canceled the trip, you think?

Jerry: No they definitely started, I called them today morning and I may have referred to the round trip again.

George: I'll tell you. I don't mind if my parents booked a one way ticket.

Jerry: But they're here...

George: Exactly

Jerry: Oh No!

George: What?

(Jerry rushes out of his apartment, knocks on Kramer's doors. Kramer opens the door)

Kramer: Oh, they're here

Jerry: I thought so!

(Jerry tries to get inside. Kramer stops him with one hand)

Kramer: I'm sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: You're not letting ME in to YOUR apartment??? (Kramer's 1000s of pop-ins flash through Jerry's mind as he says this.)

Kramer: That's right

(Kramer closes the door as George opens Jerry's door and observes what's going on)

George: Oh Jerry, Jerry, don't worry, you're always welcome here.

(Jerry turns his head towards Kramer's house, then towards George and then in to the middle with a very Jerry's expression of philosophical confusion)

Tribute

This blog is nothing more than a tribute to the genius of the show; Seinfeld.

Kramer's Course

(Jerry enters his apartment and finds Kramer sitting infront of his computer reading something seriously and taking notes. Kramer is a wearing a decent full-sleeve well ironed shirt and pants, tucked in)

Kramer: Hey buddy

(Kramer goes back to studying, Jerry observes as he takes off his jacket)

Jerry: Research of some kind?

Kramer: No, I'm doing this course online, it's great, you can get certified from the comfort of your own home!

Jerry: I guess "comfort's" the keyword. What kind of course is it anyway?

Kramer: I don't know if you noticed it Jerry, we been having a bit of management trouble at Kramerica Industries lately...

Jerry: You've had trouble early on, too.

Kramer: So, anyway, I am taking this course; "Turn your idea in to a million dollar business in 30 days". You know the Drive-Thru-Restrooms is really the "it" idea. What do you think?

Jerry: Well, I certainly hope your home is much more comfortable than mine in 30 days